Grief

When Mom died in ninety-seven I was devastated. I moved through the days in a kind of fog and spent my nights crying and writing. Poetry was my outlet; I wrote and wrote and wrote. The first few weeks I wrote constantly, night after night, from around 10pm when my husband would leave for work, until midnight or later. As time progressed I wrote less frenziedly, but still on a fairly regular basis. The poetry after a couple of months took on less grief as I tried to find a happier, more joyful place. But the grief and longing were still a frequent part of my writing. I longed to go back to the days when she was alive and we would go out to coffee, or sit on the front porch and watch Debbie (my daughter) play. Or even further back to the nights that we would make chocolate pudding and eat it warm with bread with salted butter while we watched Benny Hill and laughed.  Or perhaps even further back to when we were children and we would make her (which she did it willingly) come to our restaurant and order food from hand written menus. And no matter what she always ate and drank and complimented the chef. You would have thought it really as burgers and soda instead of crackers and Kool-Aid.  Or play softball games in the yard, or pull grass off short to make rooms and roads for the fairies. Those where the things that I missed. I missed the daily phone calls (sometimes 3 or 4 a day) for you see I not only lost my Mom, I lost my Best Friend.

After a while I gathered all the poetry I had written about my loss and stapled it together.  I added pictures of Mom and the family, and put a cover on it, entitled: ”Good-bye Mom”. It was my tribute to her, but I think in a strange way it was also a tribute to my grief. The problem was there was no one to share it with, my sisters and Dad were handling grief in their own way and it was not mine. I think we shut each other out for a while in the pain instead of coming together to celebrate what we had and what we had lost. Grief has the potential to rip a family apart faster than the proverbial “speeding bullet”. What seems like a time when we should come together in support and comfort, doesn’t always work out exactly as we think it should. Grief is certainly a test of a family’s dynamics. I felt alone and lost no one to talk to who understood my pain. I’m not sure my husband knew what to do for me and my daughter was too young and dealing with her own pain and loss. She had lost a playmate as well as her Grammy. We talked and cried together, to have share the extent of my own soul searing pain would have been unfair and detrimental. Or at least that was my opinion, and still is to a degree. But thank goodness for Mike and Deb they became my reason to get up each morning and try to make each day as normal as possible.

People/Society in general seems to out an expectation of time on grieving. Kind of like at the end of two weeks you are supposed to let it all go and life will return to normal. I have yet to meet anyone who has been able to do this. I mean on the outside we do, we put on a mask and pretend life is good, when inside we sort feel like curling up in the corner and crying. Grief does ease over time, it never really goes away as such, it just gets simpler or perhaps we learn to handle it better. Why do we grieve? They are no longer here to feel hurt, pain, or suffering. I think we grieve for ourselves and that which we no longer have. Does that make us selfish? I don’t think so – but I wonder if we grew up dealing with death as an everyday facet of life, talking about it as if it were something other than a great mystery, if it wouldn’t be better, healthier, cause less suffering and grief, and less fear for all. It has taken me many years to come to term with that single death and to release all the grief and pain that surrounded it.

I think I have a better understanding now, for I have been through more deaths since and each one seems to bring with it a greater understanding or perhaps acceptance. My Mom used to say “ that everyone handles death and grief differently. Some immerse themselves in the sights, sounds and feeling of their loved one and the loss, then there are those who pack it all away and take it out later and deal with piece by piece, a little at a time. There are even those who put it away and try to pretend that it never happened, that their loved one is simply in the other room, but eventually they will have to deal with it, for it will catch up. ” I think I leaned heavily in to the immersion technique. I packed a few memories away and didn’t open them for many years just knowing they were in the closet was a comfort for me, but emotionally I immersed myself as much as I could in the hopes of getting through it more quickly. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; we just have to remember that everyone does it differently, even within a family. The fifteenth anniversary of my Mother’s death is only a couple of weeks away and I can now look back with sadness for our loss but the pain is gone. So there is hope even if it seems beyond all hope in the beginning. I still miss her every day as does all my family, but I have come to realize that life doesn’t end with death it simply moves on to the next stage or dimension. My Mom is on the other side of the veil and I will meet her spirit again one day and I will celebrate that reunion.

Laugh or cry, must I Choose?

 I am by nature, the proverbial “Susie Sunshine”, but just because I enjoy and find joy in life, doesn’t mean that I don’t feel fear, grief, anger and sadness as well. I did however believe that you should keep all these things hidden as much as possible from the rest of the world. My motto was, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, Cry and you cry alone!” This was my motto for most of my life and I truly believed it for the longest time. That if I allowed myself to be seen as anything other than “Susie Sunshine”, that no one would want to be around me. They would not want to be my friend. I have learned that this (laugh the world will laugh with you, but if you cry you will cry alone) is not always   true, how wrong I was! There is usually at least, one true friend that will hold your hand and cry with you. There are people who will walk away, but the ones who really matter will sit with you and hold your hand.  They’ll cry with you and find ways to make you laugh. The ones who really count are always there no matter what, and after a while will simply tell you to get over it and help you find a way to do it. This doesn’t mean that I should spend all my life crying and whining, but it does mean that I don’t have to hide my real feelings behind a mask anymore either. And while I am learning every day to release those negative emotions, I know that if I have them I don’t have to bury them deep inside and hide them either. I need to let them out into the light and let them go. This has been and is perhaps one of the hardest lessons for me. So here I am a work in progress, a slightly better balanced “Susie Sunshine” wishing all of you a day of joy and light!

Fear

Fear ~such a little word to hold so much power. Why do we give it power? There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. Why am I holding on to fear? Fear is a safety net, I think. If I fear; then if something goes in a different direction than I had hoped,  I can’t be disappointed, can I? I think what started out as caution has over the years become fear. Why when children are small and self confident do we tell them they are know-it-alls, and no one likes a know-it-all. Is it to teach us/them caution? Do we fear that they may be right? Where is the balance between caution and fear?

A t the moment it seems as though the better my life gets the more closely I wrap the fear around me.  What on earth am I thinking? Obviously I’m not, or I am too much. I think Ego may be getting in the way a little here.  I looked one of my biggest fears in the face the other day (my weight), and while I haven’t released it yet. I have opened the door and faced it. I am pretty proud of that step, and today with help, I will release it. I realized the other day that I had become judgmental (My Mother is rolling over in her grave, right now over that one). And that I had become judgmental because of fear. Fear of being Fat ( which by the way I am fifty pounds overweight, so seems a little silly to fear it). There I said the word! And I feel awful that I said it, let alone think it.  But I have opened the door, and I don’t like what I saw, so today I change that! Sounds simple I know but it is once you are ready, it is!

So with the help of my good friend Lorraine ( who is an alternative healing therapist, and a GREAT lady), I will face fear again and release it. I will begin another step on my own journey of healing .  SO… “Fear today I greet you and thank you for being in my life to teach me lessons I needed to learn, but now I release you  from my life and step into the light and a healthier more balanced mindset.”

Blessings all I am off to Lorraine’s~

White Birch

As I look out the door this morning, I am greeted by a stand of White Birches that are growing in a clump at the edge of my lawn. Well actually they are growing in my lawn. There is something quite majestic about White Birches. They remind me of the Snow Queen leading winter across the land. I suppose this makes sense because Birch, (or Beith in Ogham) in the celtic tree calendar is November 1-28, yup, first snows of the year generally.

Birch signifies beginnings, endings and a new start. Well the birch is the first tree to grow in the forest and the first to leave when the other trees arrive. It is also the beginning of the wheel to the year. The Celtic New Year! Birches also signify overcoming difficulties, pliability, re establishing boundaries (or in the case of my lawn, reclaiming them), releasing old patterns, shedding unhelpful influences and resolution of conflict. They are a very busy tree! And yet they always remain, kind of ethereal and fairy like to me. Birches are the queen of the forest and pines are the king. But we can talk about that another time. As I am beginning a new cycle in my life I am focusing on the Birch and all she has to offer. And since she sits just outside my front door it is easy to remember the message she brings. That a new time is opening in my life and to let go of the old and unhelpful things in my life. To be strong in my beliefs and flexible enough to bend with the wind, and not break. To sink my roots deep, and raise my face to the stars. To dare to dream and know anything is possible, and that while nothing remains forever, as long as we are willing to grow, there will always be new boundaries for us to establish.