So much has gone on since the last time I posted I am not sure even where to begin. As usual I am working my summer job as a Park Ranger for Vermont. and I have all the usual trails and tribulations. I find that I am losing my sense of self this year. I have lost some connections and in turn have become a bit lost myself. One of the things I have decided is that i am so busy trying to keep all others happy that I am simply making myself unhappy.All of the things I have done simply for the joy of doing have become chores because I am trying to do them to please others perceptions of what they should be. This takes all the fun from life. Life should be joy and light not negative and dark. And right now there is just not a lot of joy and light. I have been listening to too many voices and not my own. I need to stop and recalibrate and then begin again. I took a mental health day the other day and I think I may have turned the corner. it is starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been a bit like the RAD child who sees the light and and the hands reaching to help but just keeps digging my hole deeper and faster to escape.

the light of a single candle can illuminate the darkest hour, but sometimes it is very hard to keep that candle lit.It is even harder to keep the candle lit in the hopes that it will help a loved one, when they seem to have lost all hope and joy. It is hard to stand by and watch the one you love struggle with despair and loss. You want to take the world on for them and right all the wrongs you think done to them. But all you can do is guard the candle's flame from the storm around them and offer them a safe haven, a sheltered harbor where they can find a few moments of peace, if they choose it. You want to gather them close and offer them comfort, but all you can so is hold the candle until they are ready to accept or ask for whatever you can offer. So here I stand... a beacon in the darkness. My candle sputtering occasionally, but guarded as best I can. Just waiting... With love in my heart... for whatever comes.

My Dearest Child

My Dearest Child,

The time has come to let go. It is time to let go of the hurt and anger. To let go of the pain of loss and allow yourself to heal. This is not to say that there will not come more times of hurt and anger, of sadness and loss, but it is time to let go of that which has already come and gone. Dear child I love as you are with all your greatness and all your faults. All of these things make you who you are, and who you are is special to me. Do not be afraid to admit that you are sad or hurt or angry, these are simply parts of life that come and go. Just as joy and happiness and laughter will come and go. My wish for you is that you will embrace all of these times in your life and let them just flow through and on. Do not hold them or hide them. Do not bury them, for then they will cause you more pain and grief. It is not wrong to feel them, they simply are, just let them be and let them go. HOLD ON TO THE JOY AND HAPPINESS! Your spirit is beautiful, as are you. You may not see this or even believe it, but listen to me I know, for you are my child and I love you. There is much greatness in you if you will only believe. Do not fear, that which has gone, or that yet to come, for I am always here with you. If you listen with your heart you will always hear me, even if I am not beside you. Find me, listen for me, for I love you and I am here, you have only to open your heart, and let me in. Remember always that you are a gift of love, and that you are loved, and most importantly that you are WORTHY of love. If you need someone to lean on I am here, simply call me and I will answer. If you have doubts remember that I believe in you until the doubts pass and you can believe in yourself again. My dearest child, it is time to let go. It is ok to let go, letting go doesn’t mean you will forget, it just means you are releasing the hurt. It is time to heal! The memories will remain but let the pain go, it is time to be whole again. Let it go my child. I love you and I will catch you, if you let me. Be at peace with life and be whole. My dearest child I love you now and forever. You are blessed and a blessing, remember that.

But mostly remember that I love you!

well my journey through shadow work continues. Monday, was my appointment with Lorraine. It was definitely an earthshaking experience for me. As we began to talk about the shadows I found my self shaking as if I had a fever and I was so cold. I don't think that shadows like to let go. I was overwhelmed by fear, fear of being judged for my "darkside". Really! from Lorraine? what was I thinking? She is one of the most non-judgemental people it has ever been my fortune to meet. and yet here I sat quaking in fear, for it was all fear. We pin pointed some target times in my life and the shadows or "trapped emotions" as Lorraine calls them and brought them to the light. There is a sense of great change in me right now. I am still processing all that went on but i think I can say that my soul is lighter. I have unfortunately lost touch with Spirit recently and so I need to get back in touch, that was part of my "homework" assignment. there was so much that went on and I don't even know where to start, other than to say it was very cleansing and I am still processing. There has definitely been a shift in my psyche. I left some baggage behind and took the next step in my personal growth or evolution. When I left I was exhausted but as each day progresses I feel stronger and more in touch with myself. More whole, perhaps. Well that is all for now, it is time to go work on my homework. Blessings!

Shadow work

shadows, dark and murky... those dark scary places that we tend to avoid. The areas that hold all our darkest fears, and deepest secrets. The place that we sweep all the things that we don't want to look at or deal with. Why? Why do we feel the need to be if not perfect, then at least good? Everywhere I turn lately I have been confronted with shadows, references to shadows, writings about shadows. Hmmm...think there is a message here? Well I decided there is and so I am on a journey to illuminate my shadows and chase away the fears. To explore my darker side and bring it to the light. To become whole. I must say that this seems like a daunting task and rather unpleasant. There are aspects of my personality that I have worked long and hard to bury and keep hidden. Not only from the world but myself as well. There is shame and fear and a feeling of loss of control as I begin this exploration of self. But if I do not do this then I will never be whole and will not be able to move forward. I will always be stuck in my present cycle of life. It would be so much easier if I could just say, " well it's not me" but deep inside it is. I may not have created what I am dealing with but some aspect of myself is there and being reflected back to me. There is so much good that I see, but I need to chase away the "demons" and bring light to the shadows in my life. For by bringing light, the shadows grow smaller and become less fearful. They lose power and I gain knowledge for they are here to teach me things I need to learn. To face my fears and accept me for all that i am. If I am to be truly accepting of others with all their glories and all their faults, do I not need to start with my own? What are my shodws you ask?

Well, loss of control is one. Fear of not being liked is another. fear of being selfish, fear of being overweight ( and I am), fear of being jealous, fear of being greedy or prideful. These are hard things to write, let alone admit to, but if I am to bring light to my shadows I must open the windows and air them out. and so begins my journey. I have a visit to Lorraine tomorrow and I have some reading to do. Probably some more journaling as well. I will try to keep you posted as my trip continues. If you wish to share I would love to hear from you as well.

In light and love!

Happy Halloween

Halloween or Samhain, whichever you prefer to call it is here again. This was the Celtic New Year, the ending of summer and the year. The beginning of winter or the dark season and the new year. A time of drawing in and contemplation, but fist a celebration to send out the old year with a bang. A time to honor the changing season, to show respect for the ancestors. This has changed in some aspects but in many still holds a touch of the old ways. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I love the sights. The sounds, and the smells. The air is crisp and clean, nature has wrapped herself in beautiful colors of red, gold, and even some green still remains. The decorations and costumes are such fun. To throw off your daily persona and become who ever you would like to be for just a few hours brings back light-hearted memories of childhood. So here is wishing you a day filled with fun and laughter and night filled with fun and fright (only the good kind) if you wish it. Have a blessed and happy Halloween!

Regrets

Regrets...
We all have them, some are deeper than others. The thing about regrets is not to let them control your life. Don't let your regrets turn into guilt. Regrets are mistakes made, they are often
good intentions that just went wrong. No matter how careful we are or how hard we try we will make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them so that we do not repeat them. Do not let regrets consume your life. Look at them, learn from them, and let them go. Give your self a little time if you need it to wallow in it, to embrace it. Then let it go, because if you hang on to it then you have learned nothing from it. And eventually it will consume you. They say that life is full of regrets and while there may be regrets in life I don't believe that it has to be full of them. If we embrace the lesson that they teach us and release them, then life is simply full of lessons learned and not regrets. Just a thought for today.
In Light and Love